What the hell am I doing?
I’m sitting on the floor of the Bergen airport at 1am trying to reattach my rear derailleur. I’ve done this dozens of times before but my sleep and food deprived brain can’t make sense of the problem. I google “how to install a rear derailleur” and “what should a rear derailleur look like” and watch several videos before my free wifi disconnects. Eventually I get it right. After two hours of fighting with Gert we are ready to go.
The problem? It is 230am. I figured I’d sleep at the airport or camp out somewhere between the airport and the hostel I booked for the next night but I’m so riled up i just want to move and then crawl into a warm bed. I ride to the hostel only to realize at 4am that their reception desk doesn’t open until 7am (the 24 hour high season hours don’t kick in for another two weeks). Exhausted and cold I pull out my quilt and sleeping pad and shiver for a few hours while wearing my somewhat sweaty clothes in a little patch of greenery.
I was wrecked all day. I napped in the hostel lounge area until I could officially check in at 3pm then slept in my bed for a few more hours. I got some food and felt good enough to do some more maintenance work on my bike (I swear I’m going to get a different style of brake when I get back). As the sun set I forced myself into bed to try to get on a regular rhythm.
What the hell am I doing?
This question didn’t go away after I installed my derailleur. What am I doing out here? Why did I opt to put my California life on hold for a few months? It’s a pretty good life by most people’s standards including mine. After sleeping all day and getting some (but not enough) food in me this question didn’t preoccupy my thoughts but it is still there. I’m not sure that I’ll ever know the answer. I’m not expecting to find the meaning of life in a Norwegian fjord. Maybe this is just something that I need to do before I can move onto the next chapter in my life.
When I think about the major events that have marked the beginning and end of a chapter in my life, I realize I’m entering a new chapter now. Maybe I’m here to make a nice defined chapter to ease a transition between my time in the tech world and a transition into being more involved in sustainability and environmental work. It could be anything and it could be nothing. I remind myself that something has been drawing me here with my bicycle for close to a decade and I need to honor that. I may end up simply having a nice holiday and go back to my life and seamlessly transition back to sleeping indoors and eating burritos for two meals a day.
What the hell am I doing?
I’ll rest up in Bergen before heading north. This isn’t a race and I’m in no rush. I’m taking this a few days at a time. Maybe that’s what I need, to focus more on the moment. I’ve been so focused on getting out of the tech bubble for so long that maybe I need a short term adjustment. Right now I’m going to have a few bites of yogurt then go to bed. I need to regain my energy before I can safely head out on the bike.
